Albuquerque!
Way back when I was just a little-bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell, and everything was juuuuust peachy! ... Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.D'argh! Big Bowl o' Sauerkraut! Every single morning!
It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, Mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!" And then she tied me to a wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical faraway place where the sun is always shining, and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh, so fluffy; where the shriners and the lepers play their ukelele's all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
Waka-waka Doo-doo Yeah!
Well let me tell you people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize: That's right -- a first-class one-way ticket... to
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Awww yeah! Well, you know I've never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great. ... Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time.. The flight attendents ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts.. And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore.. And oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!
... except for me ...
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright
position!
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position!
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright
position!
Ah-HAH-hah-HAH! Hah-HAH-hah.. Huh...
So I crawled from the twisted burning wreckage.. I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days. Draggin' along my big leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my 12-pound bowling ball, and my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived, at the
World-Famous, Albuquerque Holiday Inn!
... where the towels are oh, so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's okay, they're clean! Well I checked into my room, and I turned down the AC, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door.
Well, now who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer.
"Who is it?"
There's no answer!
"WHO IS IT???"
They're not saying anything! So finally I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right...
So anyway, he burst into my room and he grabbed my lucky snorkel and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "... 'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg, and he grabbed my esophogous, and I bit off his ear, and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix, and he gave me a colonic irrigation -- yes indeed you better believe it! [gasp] And somehow, in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And know what it said? I'll tell you what it said! It said
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your
Ooooperator!
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your
Ooooperator!
... in Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Well to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says
"Yeah!!? Whaddaya want?"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "Nooo! We're out of glazed donuts!"
I say, "Well you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "Nooo! We're out of jelly donuts!"
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "Nooo! We're out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts!"
I say, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "Nooo! We're out of cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "Nooo! We're out of apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws??"
He said, wait a minute.. I'll go check.
...
Nooo! We're outta bear claws!
I said, "Well in that case, in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels."
I said, "Oh okay, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over! Arng-ng-gng-ng-ng, Arng-ng-gng-ng-ng [snort]! Oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearing me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head. I believe it went a little something like this!
D'argh! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Oh! Oh! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Oh! Oh god! Ohhh, god! Oh, get 'em off me! Argh! Oh god! Oh! Aaaahrgghhhh!!!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, waving my arms all around and just runnin' and runnin' and runnin' like a constipated weiner dog.. And, as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams... Her name was Zelda. She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me -- she said
Hey, you got weasels on your face.
That's when I knew it was true love -- we were inseparable after that! Awww, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss! The world was our burrito... So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children -- Nathaniel and Superfly! Oh, we were so very very very happy. Awww yeah.. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said "Sweetie Pumpkin, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whoa! Hold on now baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go...
... in Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started looking up for me -- because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream! That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face! Awww yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that! I was gettin' a lotta attitude! Okay, like one time, I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by himself! So I say to him, I say "Hey! You want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "Nooo! I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!"
So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well that's just great! How was I supposed to know that?? I'm not a mind-reader, for crying out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname: "Torso boy!" So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days! Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over and I'm like "Hey, come on! Don't you get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming "Ahhhh! Aarghhh! H'aaaargh!" (you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation) Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um... ... Where was I? ... ... kinda lost my train of thought. .. Oh. Well, oh, okay, anyway. I, I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I.. HATE.. SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really trying to say. And by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt, and racked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called
Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque)
I said, "A!" (A)
"L!" (L)
"B!" (B)
"U!" (U)
.. .... ...
"Querque!" (Querque)
Albuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerquealbuquerque
